Funny Jokes About Men and Woman

Get Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.
The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
Joe decided Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
***
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Dinner Choices
Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'
Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife:         'Yes or no.'
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Marriage Humor
Wife:         'What are you doing?'
Husband:     Nothing.
Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:      'I was looking for the expiration date.'
***

British Rail promises but doesn't deliver
british rail - be careful not to get sucked off
British Rail - Always promsins, never delivering.
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Blonde Lady Speeding
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
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Morning
I was walking through the cemetary and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..".  He said, "No.  Taking a shit."
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Two clever nuns
There were two nuns One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
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Better than a flu shot
Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
***

If you are over thirty
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda
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Time to start cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old.
'I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass.'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
***

He Said, I Said
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
***

The Best Engine
A notable gynecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
***

Police Report
Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.
***

Poke in the eye
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....
***

Bees
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
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Attitude test
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.."
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Serious Immigration Problem
The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
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Womens' Club
Woman has Man in it;
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A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when I
Spend his money he won't be annoyed.
He’ll pull out my chair and hold my hand.
...  Pentagon Buzz-Phrases
Essentially complete...
It's half done.
We predict ...
We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.
***

Can you hear me now?
It has been said that this is a Verizon commercial that didn't get approved to go public.
How did that dog gets its snout into the other dog's ass anyway?
***

Tight skirt
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus.
***

The Blonde and the Shepherd
A blonde decides to dye her hair and then decides to go for a ride in the country side.  As she is driving she comes to a flock of sheep blocking the road and a man trying to get them into a field with some difficulty. She approaches the man.
"If I help you get your sheep into that field, will you give me one of them?" she asks.
The man looks at her. "Sure." he replies.
After some time all of the sheep are in the field and they close the gate.
***

Praying for clothes for the ladies
little girl praying
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies  in Daddy's computer.  Amen"
***

Assicons
We All know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,'
Where:
:)
means A smile and
:(
Is a frown.
***

Bike rider pisses of car driver
Have you ever been driving and a bike rider rests on your car?  Are you insane?  Of course not.
***

The Environmentalist and the Doctor
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
***

Storing Intelligence
We are all heavier as we get older because there's more information in our heads.
So I'm not fat., I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
***

Three Hillbillies
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
3 hilbillies
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new Fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker'
***

Old Lady Farts
SENIOR MEDICINE
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
***

Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
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