Math Jokes

Math Jokes -
Math jokes and mathetmatics humor about statistics, algebra, geometry, calculus, proofs, addition, and more...
Tags :

math pick up lines, math riddles, math puns, math jeopardy, math games, what is 1 + 1 joke, funny math puns, math one liners

Think of a number between 0 and 100. Add 38 to it. Multiply by 7. Substract 54. Now close your eyes.
It's dark isn't it?

All numbers are equal
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
math jokes
math jokes
Four is equal to five
Theorem: 4 = 5
-20 = -20
16 - 36 = 25 - 45
4^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*5
4^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4
(4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^2
4 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/2
4 = 5

Log Negative One Zero
Theorem: log(-1) = 0
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)
On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0
Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0

Dollars Equal Cents
Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that many PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one.

Math problems are weird; "I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do i have now?"
"Oh, i don't know, diabetes maybe?"

Teacher : Where the hell is your math homework?!
Me : it committed suicide, had too many problems.

Girl : How do you keep warm in a cold room?
Me : You go to the corner, because it's always 90 degrees.

How to do math :
1. Write down question
2. Cry

The integral of e to the x = Function of U to the n
See: Math jokes for teachers


The results of statistics

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."
The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."


A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems

A topologist is a mathematician who can't tell the difference between a doughnut and a coffee mug.

Shoeseller and mathematician
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy.  “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution.  The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.”  “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.”  Upon this the shoeseller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes?!”

A new government survey
A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

The Promising Phd Candidate
A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with something like:
F = -MA
He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously and said “I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere.”
One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, “Either that or an odd number of them!”

Philosophy and maths
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

A mathematician, applied mathematician and a statistician
A mathematician, applied mathematician and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview they are asked the question, what is 1+1. The mathematician replies, “I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique.” The applied mathematician after some thought replies, “the answer is approximately 1.99 with an error in the region of 0.01.” The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually in desparation returns and inquires, “so what do you want it to be?”

The Top Ten Reasons To Become A Statistician
Deviation is considered normal.
We feel complete and sufficient.
We are “mean” lovers.
Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
We are right 95% of the time.
We can legally comment on someone’s posterior distribution.
We may not be normal but we are transformable.
We never have to say we are certain.
We are honestly significantly different.
No one wants our jobs.

Cooking With Statistics
A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers, a real delicacy, for only 49 cents a burger. He was astounded at his good fortune to find such a bargain. When he inquired of the cook, the cook told him that in order to keep prices down he had to add some filler: in fact, only part of the burger was rabbit meat. The rest was horse meat.
“How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?” asked the customer.
The cook replied, “There is an equal amount of horse and rabbit in the burger: One horse, one rabbit.”

Statistical Assumptions
There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says that’s too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says that’s still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. “First,” he says “assume we have a can opener.”

Statistics are like a bikini
Statistics are like a bikini; What is revealed is interesting; What is concealed is crucial.

Proof That All Odd Numbers Are Prime
Mathmatician : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by induction.
Statistician : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is expermental error so throw it out, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, the rest follows by induction.
Computer Scientist : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, ….

Mathematical Baby Formula
Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply.

Those Darn Variables
A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it’s wrong, but also because he doesn’t want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: “Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I’ll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.”
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: “Did you really change the names of all the variables?”
“Sure!” the classmate replies. “When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…”

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
A: It’s referred to as the log scale.

Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?
A: Check the p-value.

Q: Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician?
A: A physician makes an analysis of a complex illness whereas a statistician makes you ill with a complex analysis!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: “Your brain is smaller than any e>0!”

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was being irrational.

Q: Why did the two vectors start an internet-based company?
A: Because they thought they had a good dot product.

Q: Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?
A: Don’t worry, It doesn’t have a point!

Q: What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
A: Nothing. you can’t cross two scalars.